How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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