a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize