My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
