Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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