I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
