I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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