I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
