I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
