so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
