Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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