The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Randomize
