Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
