I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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