Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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