Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
