Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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