There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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