meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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