I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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