omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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