I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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