You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
