dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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