Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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