I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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