if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
