Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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