I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
