I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
