Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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