a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
