I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize