maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize