I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
