I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize