I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
