I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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