i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
