Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
