My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize