I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I wish you could order shots online.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Randomize
