i think my mom watched the whole time
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Randomize
