They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Randomize
