Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
me + whiskey = a bad person
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
