Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
