I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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