six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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