Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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