what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
