You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
