Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
