Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
