So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
