don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize