u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Dick very happy bro
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize