Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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