Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
