I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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