this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
