smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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