i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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