last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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