No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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