no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
