I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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